I didn't tell anyone I was doing it today.

I donated my hair today.

I cut it ALL off. I think I have been in shock all day. I cut off 12 inches of healthy hair, and I now sport a very structured very mod do. I am posting before and after pics.

I did not tell anyone really because I needed to really shake things up in my life, I really only made the decision to go all the way last night. I was still wavering this morning. But I actually feel good about this.

Oh and my hair is SO silky and healthy right now.

I am not terribly impressed with the woman who cut my hair. I felt like it was done in a factory. The woman kept shushing my tears of shock away with "Be HAPPY, you are doing something nice for someone." I KNOW that, but I have had long hair since I was 27. Its a bit of a shock. She was not sensitive, and she let me walk out of the shop with wet hair. I was freezing cold all afternoon.

But its done. :)



So here they are:

Me Before

After

You know what?

I have had my same haircut for 7 years, minus the bangs, they are a feature that come and go. I have had long hair, with bangs for 7 years.

Now interestingly enough, I have had enough of this hair, and I am thinking of donating it to Locks of Love. I have the required length, I just need the courage to actually go through the cutting process. I am trying to think too, of just what haircut I really want. That is a tough one actually, since I have not had short hair in so long, and the last time I had short hair, I had brutally short hair, and it was yucky. Then I had to grow it out again, and that was gross, I had a bob and it was horrendous.

So I am trying to decide if I actually want to do it.

Here is the thing. The reason I want to cut my hair is because I feel stuck. In my spirituality, hair is energy, its power, and strength. But all my energy right now is really stuck, so in order to get unstuck I think I really need to shake the tree a little, and get rid of all the dead zones in my life. My hair feels like a dead zone. So, I have decided to cut it.

Again though, if I cut it, I am nearing the age where most women do not look good in really long hair anymore. Women of my body shape too really need to think about how short or they end up looking very round. I need to find a stylist who knows what she is about and is not looking to shear this client to get on to the next one because its about money.

Oh decisions, decisions!


I will keep you apprised.

In the still of the morning

The little one is not up yet, and I am listening to motivational material. So I decided that at this moment I am going to post my gratitude for today:

1) I am grateful for spring, for its greening, warming, life energy.

2) I am grateful that I live in Toronto, because when I don't I will miss all the varied activities that I never went to when I was here.

3) I am grateful that I am good with my hands, that I can make and craft things.

4) I am grateful for new friends.

5) I am grateful for Vaseline, because it really is the ultimate moisturizer. My hands feel amazing and soft.

An honest talk with a good friend.

In spite of Ava's presence, I have been single now for 38 years. I have never really found love. Not real love, just convenient answers to loneliness, none lasting over 6 months. So I was wondering why, what the heck is wrong.

So crying I went to my friend Lori's today. I can always count on Lori, she has been my best friend since we were 13 and 12 years old. That is a very long time. Needless to say, Lori has seen it all, and heard it all from me, as I have from her. So when I asked her some pointed questions, she was truthful with me.

So, its all well and good to sit here and blog, but there are some things to be worked on as well. So I am wondering if I should split this blog into two. One blog to deal with the butterfly emergence, and this one to deal with turning my name into a brand.

What do you think?

Forgive the silence

I have been... really in my head. I really should stop but its funny, I get in there and I cannot get out.

But today I have a couple of catch up posts for you.

First gratitude:

1) I am grateful for the spring. Finally there is sun, and birds, and grass, and warmth.

2) I am grateful that there is such things as online TV shows that I can catch up on. Perhaps a little two often.

3) I am grateful for my friend Lori, who makes me try new things, and when I do, I can come home and make them myself.

4) I am grateful ..... I miss my brother.

5) I am grateful for Fly Lady because now I have a shiny sink, and it really does make all the difference.

Its Wednesday...

and so first off...

1) I am grateful that the middle of the week is here, with its long slow slope into the weekend. Even though as a single stay at home mum a weekend is no different than the week, it still feels special. I guess because everyone on WoW gets to play all day!

2) I am grateful that I get to look at apartments and just dream of living there one day, there are tons of really interesting little spaces in Toronto. The bathrooms make them really odd, though. Sometimes the toilet is in the tightest little space. So cool.

3) Its going to be 18C today.... who does not love that?

4) I am happy that today thunderstorms are predicted. I hate them, they make me nervous, but I kind of missed that.

5) I am really grateful for toilet paper. :)

Good morning world.

I am starting late because the muse bit me in the rear end this morning and I have been caught up writing the story that seems it needs to be told. Have not even had my coffee this morning.

The List:

1) So grateful for my family, odd and very eccentric as they are. I miss them desperately.

2) Friends who get me out of myself and out into the world.

3) My door.

4) My computer, my word processor, and my imagination. Long live Open Source Software!!!

5) I am ever so grateful to the people who opened their mouths about GCC and everything that happened there, grateful for everyone who is helping us stand up to the past, and grateful that somehow, we will be healed.

Day out

I am grateful for a day out.

See you later when I will recap.

It was slow going this morning

Every morning there is rain it is increasingly harder to get up. It must be a getting older thing, or just a me thing. Ava on the other hand had no such difficulty, she was up with the first hint of light playing away with my face. I tried to remain in that wonderful world between sleep and awake, and every time I got close Ava would yell or kiss me, or poke me. She is also very good at stealing the covers. At any rate she was successful in her attempts to wake me, and get me resentfully to the kitchen to feed her breakfast.

So here I sit, studying about blogging. Believe it or not, creating a blog, a successful blog requires you to know a good deal about things that I have never really thought much about. Thinks like RSS feeds, I have one now, and SEO (Search Engine Optimization), social bookmarking (Yay StumbleUpon), tagging, page rank, contextual advertising, traffic statistics. That is a short list. I have been reading people like: WWdn: In Exile, Problogger, and The Blogging Experiment.

All of this studying is the first part of the plan toward creating my own brand. The first phase is this blog. This blog is going to be an introduction to me, and why I am branding myself. Not only will it be a vehicle to chronicle the journey, successful or not, to branding myself, but its also a glimpse into why I want to do this in the first place.

Never mind that this project is the result of many, many, people's suggestions that I really need to write a book, Aaron, Darlene, and Brian being notable for this, but so many others have pushed me to do something similar. Aaron is actually a professional blogger as well, he blogs at Square State. I get his feed and read what he writes as well. So, having all of this inspiration around, what else could I have done. I succumbed.

Thanks for the inspiration, people and the gentle nudges that have got this whole ball rolling.

Naughty me...

I nearly forgot to do the gratitude list. *gasp* How shocking!

Well, before you all go nuts waiting, here is my five for today.

1) Friends, I never know when you are going to pop up, or what you will say, but I am ever so grateful for your presence in my life, no matter how far you may orbit. Brian you know this is about you right?

2) Naps, I took a fast one just to try to get the little one to go down too, and it worked. She is asleep and I got a few minutes of recharging my batteries.

3) Garbage bags. Right now, I am in the midst of spring cleaning. Not the regular spring cleaning by the way, this time, everything that I have not used or worn in the last two months goes in the trash, or recycle, or Goodwill bin.

4) Coffee. 'Nuff said.

5) For the little one. She might have the loudest most ear piercing shriek, but it lets me know she is alive, and gives me a much deeper appreciation for silence.

Snowbound in spite of Spring

I was inspired to write this post by a post in another blog I have added to my blogroll. Here is the post that inspired me. "I think this world is perfect...": Blossoms

And here is what the view from my balcony looks like today.

So... come on Spring!

When music says so much more

A long time ago a friend Rob L shared with me a song that very quickly became an all time favorite of mine. I have listened to it to brighten my mood, or just enhance a quiet moment. It never ceases to bring tears to my eyes, so I thought I could share it with you.

Have a listen and watch the video, its beautiful too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tiMwDagGOek

Why do I blog?

I have maintained a blog for a while now, I used to use a Livejournal, but I have had to let that one die because of the flamers and others who just made it a negative experience. I started blogging in January 2003, and I was a fairly regular blogger there, and I have missed writing.
I write for several reasons. I like the way it clears my head. It makes room for other thoughts. It also helps me to maintain a perspective. I look back into the archives of that blog and I can see those things that upset me, and they mean so little to me now. But its also good to see the dreams that motivated me, still do.
I blog because its vanity. You know it is.
I blog because its like a slow conversation with friends I have never met, but hope to become acquainted with.
I blog because you read.
I blog because I read you, and want to reply, or comment. Or just inspire you because you have inspired me.

I blog for posterity.

First of all...

My gratitude list:

1) I am very grateful that today here in Toronto, its not raining, and there is sun. It feels like the world is just singing right now, with almost all of the snow melted away, and the grass starting to peek out. Come on, Spring!

2) I am grateful for the fast thinking of mothers, and some helpers who when the little one could have been scalded she was not, because three pairs of hands stripped her tea soaked pants off of her before they had a chance to touch her.

3) I am grateful for the College streetcar. Its just a really nice ride. Someday I will post pictures. It goes through the neatest areas of town. You can even see the purple house, and the firetruck red one.

4) I am grateful for my friends, and you know who you are.

5) I am grateful for coffee. Its a truly wonderful thing. So is chocolate.

Good morning world! Its a truly wonderful day. :)

Gratitude

Again this morning I get started with my gratitude list.

1) I am grateful for the time I have to watch my daughter grow, develop, and the chance it offers me to help her grow in to a good person.

2) Even though I live in a building that is being ghetto-ized by its newer residents, I have a roof over my head, and a sanctum that I can retreat to when things get overwhelming.

3) I am grateful that I have this blog, that I created something that I can put my time and effort into, even if it helps just one person, I have done something.

4) I am grateful for my success as a writer, as a speaker, and that it has allowed me to make some really wonderful changes.

5) I am grateful that I have the story that I do, it makes me really interesting. :)

I like making this list because its a five minute reminder of how much I truly have to celebrate.

Stumbling Upon....

I use Firefox as a rule, and I added StumbleUpon to it. I have been Stumbling around the Internet for about 3 years now, finding some very interesting sites, and things that really interest me. Its a good way to spend a few minutes here and there when I have the luxury of being bored.
If you want to try it: http://www.stumbleupon.com

I was Stumbling tonight and I came across a movie trailer that really interested me. I am a gamer. I play World of Warcraft. I do love it, I play as often as I can. I know other people who play World of Warcraft, it tends to feed on itself, you meet people they play, they introduce you to other people who play. You tend to learn the language and talk it to others. Its almost a culture. Sometimes, it sneaks out into other parts of my life, and I find myself saying "wuh tuh fuh??" to someone and they give me funny looks.

So I was Stumbling and I found this link, which I now share with you.

I am off to play my BE Hunter Twink now. :-P

http://www.secondskinfilm.com/?id=trailer

Going downtown but first... a story

I was not sure that I was going to put this in my blog, but I think I am going to because it really means a lot to me.

Yesterday I bought a scratch lottery ticket. It was a $3 investment in a Monopoly game. While scratching at home, I was just being really positive about winning, something, anything. I scratched off two of the pieces for a $10,000 prize. And then I scratched off one more. I looked, and looked again.
I then started to get very excited. $10,000 would mean some small but wonderful changes, and I was seeing them come to me. I was ecstatic, I was so happy.
Upon checking the ticket again, I found I had not won the $10,000.

Now how is that uplifting in the least? Because, after not winning, I found myself not even resenting that moment. Because for one moment, I was deliriously happy. That moment for me is a very bright warm spot in my days. It outshines so many others for its sheer joy. So for one minute, I was happy, very very happy. I could not buy that feeling, ever.

I know what that feels like now, and just that is worth smiling about.

Gratitude is very important

Last night I found that as I started to feel gratitude for everything that I have, I felt more and more abundant. I started to be grateful for this new opportunity, and for all that it is going to bring to my life.

Therefore, I have decided to post 5 things I am grateful for every day. Here is today's list:

1) I am so grateful for my daughter, she is teaching me so many things, the least of which is to enjoy every single moment. She has no trouble being in the moment, because for her, that is all she has.

2) I am grateful for my creativity, as it allows me to write, and envision, and create. It gave me the idea for this project of mine, and it allowed me to envision the end product.

3) I am grateful for the time that I have now, to be able to work on this project.

4) I am grateful for my life, and its story, with its twists and turns.

5) I am grateful that I woke up this morning, on the right side of the grass. (Don't laugh, you did, too.)

Thanks for reading.

One year

Last night in a fit of creativity I decided to turn myself into my own brand. What does this mean? I decided that I want to write, and speak, and help people. I know that I can do this, and this page is going to be one of my routes.
Every month I will set myself a new goal, a new habit to get into that will work towards increasing both the traffic on this page, and will work toward this goal. Right now, I have the goal in mind, and I have the start. The way between, the road map, is not there yet though.
Not only will I be journaling regularly here, and turning this into a money making blog, but I will also be filling paper journals every day. In one year I hope to have a shelf full of paper journals with all kinds of ideas, doodles, stories and poems in them. The kind of raw creativity that will allow this project to continue.
Most importantly, I will not listen to those people who will try to crush this dream, or make this project not come to fruition. I have seen this as a success, and I will be holding on to that as I walk through this next year.

So this blog ultimately is about how to take one year to become your own brand. Let's walk the journey together.

Now I am off to work more on filling in the road map.