Today, as I explored the feelings around being called 'Fatso' on the subway a year ago, I realized something. That woman made me feel like I was in a spotlight. That spotlight, I had been in before, where all my faults and some imagined ones where laid out before me and everyone else. Where I had no where to run, or hide.
I found everything in me trying to shrink, trying to hide. I was tense, and my stomach was a knot. I was right there in the emotion, and at the same time, part of my consciousness was trying to run, to dissociate from the stress of being there. Everything I did not allow myself to feel then, and everything I hid from them, I felt today.
There was so much physical to that feeling I almost lost the moment in feeling everything in my body.
Counseling is about the hardest thing I have done.... but I am in it with open eyes now. Even though walking into that office is hard, and I come out, with sore muscles, headaches, tired eyes, and tired body, I know that everything I lay down is something I never have to pick up again.
I did it, you know. I want to shake my fist at you. In defiance. The defiance I could not show then, I show you now. You. will. not. defeat. me.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Fighting to not stay where I am
The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is
that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because
smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in
proportion to your fear of being hurt. ~~(Thomas Merton)
Its time to step out of my comfort zone. Its time to come out from behind the walls that I built to keep myself safe. I have clad myself in the pain of the past, unwilling to let it go, for the fear of not having an identity without it. Its time to lay it aside, brick by brick, and see that today is today.
The past has taken so much with it. But I can do nothing about it now. My job is to realize that I have survived what I have, and to move on.
Sometimes, yes it is hard to leave the past in the past. But the past with me, has been ruling my future, and that needs to stop. I have BEEN through, but I AM through it.
Its a hard thing to tell yourself that you are holding onto your pain because its comfortable.
that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because
smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in
proportion to your fear of being hurt. ~~(Thomas Merton)
Its time to step out of my comfort zone. Its time to come out from behind the walls that I built to keep myself safe. I have clad myself in the pain of the past, unwilling to let it go, for the fear of not having an identity without it. Its time to lay it aside, brick by brick, and see that today is today.
The past has taken so much with it. But I can do nothing about it now. My job is to realize that I have survived what I have, and to move on.
Sometimes, yes it is hard to leave the past in the past. But the past with me, has been ruling my future, and that needs to stop. I have BEEN through, but I AM through it.
Its a hard thing to tell yourself that you are holding onto your pain because its comfortable.
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