Sleepless

There it is. When the lights go out. There is the old grief, compounded. C is right. I have put up every wall I can, and I am running as hard as I can to ignore it, make it go away.
This house is so empty, like its heart has gone. The purpose to my life. My orbit has been knocked away off course, and I am drifting. Drifting in the sickness, drifting in the dark, drifting without a course. The night is my day, and the dawn my twilight. Only when true exhaustion hits do I answer the siren call of my dreams.
My dreams, once looked forward to, offer no real relief from the night, just more twisted visions of the past, mixed with the never ending search to find what I have lost.
I wake, more exhausted than when I fell asleep, in the afternoon, and begin again. Wall, ignore, run, hide, and ignore the emptiness. Fly from the silence. Push real love away because it just hurts more. Squeeze out life, for the sham.
All those voices drilled into me from childhood, crowd out the spark of good, and calm I try to sow. My days are nothing but exhausted running, and my nights filled with distraction till the exhaustion finally takes me.
Grief will eat a person from the inside out. Left to fester on its own, it weakens the soul, and kills from the inside out. Sickness from the outside in.

Spotlight

Today, as I explored the feelings around being called 'Fatso' on the subway a year ago, I realized something. That woman made me feel like I was in a spotlight. That spotlight, I had been in before, where all my faults and some imagined ones where laid out before me and everyone else. Where I had no where to run, or hide.
I found everything in me trying to shrink, trying to hide. I was tense, and my stomach was a knot. I was right there in the emotion, and at the same time, part of my consciousness was trying to run, to dissociate from the stress of being there. Everything I did not allow myself to feel then, and everything I hid from them, I felt today.
There was so much physical to that feeling I almost lost the moment in feeling everything in my body.
Counseling is about the hardest thing I have done.... but I am in it with open eyes now. Even though walking into that office is hard, and I come out, with sore muscles, headaches, tired eyes, and tired body, I know that everything I lay down is something I never have to pick up again.

I did it, you know. I want to shake my fist at you. In defiance. The defiance I could not show then, I show you now. You. will. not. defeat. me.

Fighting to not stay where I am

The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is
that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because
smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in
proportion to your fear of being hurt. ~~(Thomas Merton)


Its time to step out of my comfort zone. Its time to come out from behind the walls that I built to keep myself safe. I have clad myself in the pain of the past, unwilling to let it go, for the fear of not having an identity without it. Its time to lay it aside, brick by brick, and see that today is today.

The past has taken so much with it. But I can do nothing about it now. My job is to realize that I have survived what I have, and to move on.

Sometimes, yes it is hard to leave the past in the past. But the past with me, has been ruling my future, and that needs to stop. I have BEEN through, but I AM through it.

Its a hard thing to tell yourself that you are holding onto your pain because its comfortable.

Time for a change

Change is in the wind I think. So now that I am 40,(Yes, I actually said it.) I think it's time to pull up the old weeds, dust off a few things, and change a lot of things. I have been becoming for a long time, its time for that foolishness to stop and time for me to get going. Hike the skirt up to the knees, kick myself in the butt, and get cracking!

So, what's the plan?

1) Ditch emotional baggage.

I am going to be doing that this year, and chucking all that stuff that has been holding me back. Its just baggage and if I want more later, I can add some. But really who wants baggage.

2) Formulate an action plan.

I am not quite there yet, but I know where I want to be at the end of the year. So with that in mind....

3) Set workable goals each month to meet and make change in my life.



There it is people, the plan.

Here were the goals for January. Learn to apply makeup, and start to take better care of skin and body in order to enhance physical appearance. I have watched hours and hours of YouTube tutorials, studied makeup, even gone to a makeup store to have my face done. Now that I know what I want to look like and what I don't, what I got from that is a basic knowledge of how to look more like a girl. That was step one anyway.

Goals for February..... No way man, I put them out here and I do not meet them? Nope. I will post them at the end of February. But they are trucking along rather nicely thanks. :)

Life is a really interesting thing. I have learned, it is what you make it. I am learning to make it positive, and good. :)